Divorce brings up real fear about the kids, the house, the money, and the future, and when everything feels uncertain, it is natural to want a firm benchmark. The law feels like that benchmark. It seems objective, official, and final.
In litigation, the law is like the sun in our solar system. Everything orbits around it. Every negotiation, every proposal, and every decision comes back to the same question: "What would a court do?" Attorneys build their arguments around it, and the parties measure every offer against it. Ultimately, if the two of you cannot agree, a judge applies the law and makes the decision for you. There are good reasons for this system, and some cases need it, but when the law is the only point of reference everything else that matters to a family tends to get pushed to the outer edges.
In the collaborative process, the law is one reference point. You need to understand it so that you can make informed decisions and know what your options really are. But in collaborative, the law is not the sun that everything revolves around. It is more like our sun in the Milky Way: one star among many. It gives off real light, and you should know where it is, but it is not the only light to steer by.
Washington has its own rules about how property is divided and how parenting and support are decided. Those rules are important, but that does not make them inherently more fair than the rules in any other state or country. They are simply the rules that happen to apply here.
If you and your spouse lived somewhere else, the same family with the same assets could get a different answer about what "fair” is. It is an important reminder that fairness is not one fixed number or option. Reasonable people can see “fair” differently. In collaborative law the question stops being "What would a court make us do?" and becomes "What would actually be fair for our family?"
Every family is different, but some central ideas of fairness seem to come up again and again:
Your values. Many people have a strong sense of what is right based on their faith, their upbringing, or their own moral compass. Those beliefs belong in the conversation.
Your children's needs. Stability, routines, school, activities, and time with both parents often matter far more to a family than a formula does.
Your financial reality. With the help of a financial neutral, you can see how different options would actually play out for each household, not just on paper today, but over the next several years.
What you can both live with. An agreement that both people understand and accept is far more likely to last than one that leaves someone feeling defeated.
Your future relationship. If you have children together, you will be co-parents long after the divorce is final. The way you reach an agreement shapes how you will work together for years to come.
In a collaborative case, your team helps you bring all of these into view. Your attorney explains the law, guides you through the process, and makes sure you understand your choices. A financial neutral helps both of you understand the numbers. A co-parenting coach helps keep communication productive and the focus on your children. Together, the team helps you weigh the reference points that matter most to your family.
Treating the law as one reference point does not mean ignoring it. You will still know what the law says, and you will make decisions with your eyes open. What it does mean is that you get to decide what fair looks like for your family, rather than handing that decision to a judge who knows your family only through the paperwork and testimony in front of them.
It also means you always keep the power to say yes or no. You are never required to accept an outcome simply because it is what a court might do, and you are free to choose something that fits your family better, as long as you both agree. Through collaborative many families find a process that helps them focus on what matters, reduce conflict, and build an agreement they can both stand behind.
While divorce can be hard, there life on the other side of it and through the collaborative process, it is a life you get to choose rather than one that is chosen for you. When the law is one star among many, you have room to create a resolution that reflects your values, protects your children, and supports both households moving forward.
If you would like to learn more about whether the collaborative process might be a good fit for your family, Woods Family Law would be happy to talk with you.
This article provides general information about the collaborative process in Washington and is not legal advice. Every family's situation is different; please consult an attorney about your specific circumstances.
