I really wish there was a checklist, like a quiz from a magazine. Wouldn't it be nice if you could answer ten questions, tally up your score, and be told exactly what to do? If you answered mostly A's, it was time for a divorce. Mostly B's, your marriage was worth saving. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. The most important questions are not legal questions at all. They're human questions, and they usually have messy, human answers.
After more than fifteen years practicing family law, I can not tell you how many people wrestle with this question at two o'clock in the morning, lying awake next to their spouse, sitting in their car after an argument, or searching the internet in the dark because they do not know who else to ask. I think that is normal when grappling with the big decisions. Sometimes they come to me hoping I will tell them what they should do.
One of the first things I tell prospective clients is that I do not make that decision for them. My job isn't to take away your agency. It's to help you understand your options, ask better questions, and make informed decisions that reflect your values and the future you want to create. That means I can’t give you the right answer, but I can share with you the questions that helped me make that decision for myself.
For me, there wasn't one moment that ended my marriage. There wasn't one fight or one conversation where I suddenly knew what to do. Instead, I found myself coming back to the same questions over and over again. I didn't answer them all at once, and some of them took years to answer honestly.
Looking back, these are the questions that helped me think more clearly.
Have We Truly Given This Marriage the Chance It Deserves?
Before concluding your marriage cannot be repaired, ask yourself whether the problem is communication or compatibility. Those are very different problems, and they deserve different solutions. If the issue is communication, there are so many options for building these skills.
Marriage Counseling
If both spouses are committed to repairing the relationship, a licensed marriage counselor can help improve communication and rebuild trust.
Discernment Counseling
If one spouse is leaning toward divorce and the other is unsure, discernment counseling can help you decide whether to pursue reconciliation or separation before beginning traditional marriage counseling.
Recommended Reading
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman
Eight Dates — John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman
Hold Me Tught- Sue Johnson
Sometimes the options can feel overwhelming, but remember you only have to take it one step at a time, one issue at a time.
Am I Staying Because I Still Have Hope—or Because I'm Afraid?
People think a relationship fails because a relationship has ended, but some relationships fail by continuing when they are no longer good relationships. Many of my clients have known for many years their relationship hasn’t been working but are held back by fear.
It is so normal to be afraid of change. We evolved to live in groups. We evolved to feel the breakdown of our family groups as a life-or-death situation. That is why people go through a divorce; it creates stress on nearly the same level as experiencing a death. It is ok to be scared. It is ok worry about what the future will be, but don’t let fear be the only reason you stay in a relationship. Feeling terrified doesn't necessarily mean you're making the wrong decision. Sometimes it means you're making an important one.
There comes a point where fear of change will be outweighed by fear of standing still, and that is often the tipping point. Where people think, I just can’t do it anymore. It is ok to be afraid; just don’t let the fear be the reason you are making the choice to stay.
If Nothing Changed, Could I Live This Way Five Years From Now?
Don’t confuse comfort with happiness.
Consider your life and your marriage into the future. This a great thought exercise to help you think through the big questions. Are there skills you could both improve above to help build intimacy and relationship skills or will you look back with regret at having not made a change you needed to make?
In five years could communication improve? Could counseling help? Is change realistic if something doesn’t happen to effectuate that change. This isn't about predicting the future. It's about deciding whether the future you're imagining is one you're willing to accept if nothing changes.
What Are My Children Learning From My Example?
When I was considering divorce, this was probably the question that kept me awake the most.
Like many parents, I worried that divorce itself would harm my children. I worried about missing time with them, changing their routines, missing holidays and whether they would look back on their childhood differently because of my decision.
Over time, though, I realized I was asking only half of the question. I was asking what divorce would teach my children. I wasn't asking what staying in an unhealthy relationship was teaching them.
For me, it was a question of which path gave my children the healthiest example of love, respect, and partnership. I wasn't choosing between a “perfect” family and divorce. I was asking myself which path forward reflected the values I hoped they would one day build into their own relationships.
Children are always learning about relationships. They learn from how we communicate, how we resolve conflict, how we show kindness, and how we set healthy boundaries. Sometimes the healthiest lesson we can teach is that relationships are worth working on. Sometimes it's that people deserve to be treated with respect, including ourselves.
Only you can decide what that means for your family. But I do think it's a question worth asking honestly.
Can I Be the Person I Want to Be Without Real Change?
I would invite you to consider if unhappiness in your marriage is caused by a cognitive disconnect. Meaning, are you trying to be someone you aren’t in your marriage? Are you unhappy trying to fit your round peg in a square hole? Ask yourself,
Has the relationship made you more withdrawn?
Less confident?
Angrier than you want to be?
Walking on eggshells?
No longer recognizing yourself?
The point isn't to assign blame. It's to honestly consider whether the relationship is helping you become the person you want to be, and why. Is it because of how you communicate, or is something fundamental that makes you not fit in a healthy way? Of course, compromise is part of every relationship; but there is a big difference between forgoing the small issues and stepping away from what makes you, you.
Final Thoughts
I still wish there were a checklist. I wish there were ten questions, a score at the bottom of the page, and a simple answer that could tell us exactly what to do. But the truth is, the most important decisions in our lives rarely work that way. They come through reflection; they come from soul-searching, from honest conversations, sometimes counseling, sometimes time, sometimes gathering information before we're ready to act. Sometimes getting expert advice when you need it. Whether you ultimately decide to work on your marriage or move forward with a divorce, my hope is not that you find certainty overnight. It's that you find enough clarity to take the next step with confidence.
You don't have to have every answer today. The goal isn't to make a perfect decision. It's to make a thoughtful one, with good information, honest reflection, and the confidence that whatever you decide, you'll have the tools to navigate what comes next.
If you're reading this because you're searching for certainty, I wish I could give it to you. What I can tell you is that thoughtful decisions are rarely made all at once. They come from asking honest questions, gathering good information, talking with people you trust, and giving yourself permission to take one step at a time.
Whether you ultimately decide to stay, to leave, or simply to keep thinking, I hope this article reminds you of one thing: you don't have to have every answer today. You only have to keep moving toward the life and the relationships that reflect who you are and what matters most to you.
You don't have to make that journey alone.
